$1200 / 1br - 1001ft² - BEST FUCKING ROOMMATE EVER! MONTH TO MONTH. TIMBER LOFT FREE UTILITIES INCLUDED (downtown South loop pilsen wicker Park Wrigley Chinatown Uic)
Best. Roommate. Ever.
Konichiwa bitches. Are you looking for the most kick-ass fucking roommate that ever lived? If so, look no further. You fucking found him. I’m a 30-year-old Emergency Room Trauma Nurse with experience at bad-ass hospitals in Chicago. That’s right! What you know about experience? I graduated from Loyola University in Sweet Home Chicago, and moved to Joliet at the ripe, tender age of 22. After deciding that Joliet was a stinky shit-hole, I moved back to Chicago to cultivate more professional experience. Why? So I can make millions of dollars and not have to post shit like this on Craigslist.
Anyway, so I landed this job with a University Medical Center in Chicago, and bought a condo but I have no fucking clue how I’m going to pay this mortgage while working full time and attending grad school for my nurse Practioner license.. That’s right I will be able to write you prescriptions and evaluate that weird rash you have sometime soon…
A bit about me: I’m respectful, quiet, clean and I won’t bother any of your shit. If you leave shit out, I’m just like, “Oh fuck I better not mess with this shit, because it’s not mine.” I turn off lights. I clean toilets. Fuck it. I’ll even cook for you. That’s right! My dad is a chef and taught me everything there is to know about cooking authentic Italian cuisine. I’ll fry green tomatoes, cover them with marinated crab meat and smother that shit in bearnaise. EVERY. GODDAMN. NIGHT. Don’t eat meat? That’s fucking FANTASTIC! I’ll make a zucchini and yellow squash risotto that will knock your fucking socks off.
I also read a lot. I fucking LOVE books. Vonnegut, Palahniuk, Hawthorne. All that shit. I read Tuesdays with Morrie the other day. It’s a sad story, but I learned something about life, love, knowledge and the pursuit of something greater than myself. Fucking smart. Do you like movies? I fucking love them. We can watch the shit out of some movies k if you like, or go get drinks, or work out, hike, play video games or play a game of one-on-one basketball, or I don’t have to talk to you at all. It’s completely UP TO YOU!
So you own almost nothing? That’s quite fucking alright. I hate baggage and my condo comes fully furnished so you don’t have to worry about shit.
Still interested in the pad? You can bet your nomadic ass you are! If you only require 4 walls, a ceiling and a floor to shelter you from the elements this place is not for you. The condo is the old Singer Sewing Factory. How about that for some fucking history! It has two rooms. One for me and one for you. We can build a Fort out of pillow cushions in the living room for your friends to stay if you want! It also has AC, BRAND NEW (HUGE) WASHER AND DRYER IN UNIT (TOP OF THE LINE) WITH STEAM/SANITIZE/ANTI-WRINKLE/ANTI-STATIC OPTIONS. DISHWASHER, STAINLESS Kitchen appliances! SHOWER WITH JACUZZI JET TUB. BALCONY WITH GRASS & BBQ GRILL (new never used). Gas Burning FIREPLACE. AVAILABLE NOW! Fastest WiFi Package AT&T offers INCLUDED. FLAT SCREEN TV IN ALL ROOMS (with a Roku in every room which includes free Netflix, HBO GO, and ESPN accounts) INCLUDING A 75” HD flat screen in livingroom. I’m taking being a roommate to the next level. Email me! I’ll hook yo ass up with Facebook links, background checks, credit reports, phone numbers, resumes, references, awards, sexual history, pictures of karate trophies and a list of the top 10 women I’d like to bang before I die. If you want a next-generation roommate who consistently blows your fucking mind with awesomeness, then hit me up.
Ps.. Yes this add is real. No I?m not crazy, just funny!
Pss. Other important shit?. You can walk to the Red Line & orange line, MARIANOS, DSW, NORDSTROM RACK, MOVIE THEATER, SOLDIER FIELD. There is even a CTA BUS STOP IN FRONT OF BULDING. Don?t like being on the bus with a bunch of stinky people? You?re in luck because there is also a DIVVY BIKE STAND INFRONT OF the BUILDING!
P$$… I?m located on the boarder of SOUTH LOOP, CHINATOWN, & UIC! DEPOSIT NEGOTIABLE! MONTH-TO-MONTH IS FINE. That is right you can rent month to month, we aren?t married so why do we need a fucking prenup or contract. It is FULLY FURNISHED. HIGH Ceiling, open, bright, TIMBER LOFT.
UTILITIES INCLUDED IN PRICE.
FREE (NO METER) STREET PARKING (or you can rent a spot inside pretty CHEAP) OR possibly share my spot. You will not have to walk more than 10 feet to park, there is always street parking available. The condo complex has video cameras everywhere (every hallway and entrance), very safe building (mostly families, chicago police officers, with a few UIC students and asians mixed in) and secure.